Why I Started Saying Yes When Every Instinct Screamed No

Why a gradual transfer of power matters/ A parenting shift that's building more capable kids /An age-by-age decision making guide/ What to do when you disagree/ Why the real prize isn't control

The other day one of my kids asked for permission to do something and I automatically said, "No way. Not happening. No chance." And then something important happened. She calmly said, "Mom, I've given you every reason to trust me. I'm a good kid. And I'm honest with you- I tell you stuff because I know you won't yell at me."

I replied, "I know you are and it's not that I don't trust you. I don't want to say yes to putting you in situations you don't need to be in."

And she said, "Mom, I could've easily gone without telling you. But I'm not doing that. I'm telling you. Can you at least think about it?"

I thought about it... and then I said yes.

Mostly I said yes because while I'd love to keep my kids in a bubble, I know that they need opportunities to learn to make good decisions. Kids don't learn to make good choices by having choices made for them.

I said yes because of the mature way she handled me initially saying no.

I also said yes because her older sibling said, "Mom it's fine. Give her a chance."

She went, it was fine. And even if it hadn't been? I don't think I would have regretted my choice because saying yes was more important than the "thing she wanted to do." It was about listening and growing as a parent. It was about listening and growing as a kid.

The Gradual Transfer of Power

I've been learning something slowly (and sometimes painfully) through my years of motherhood: parenting is about the gradual transfer of decision-making power from me to my children. What happened that day wasn't just about a specific activity—it was about building the foundation for her future independence. As I've matured in motherhood, I've realized that collaboration and conversation are one hundred times more important than strict rules. If nothing is open for discussion, children have no choice but to sneak around. And that's the last thing I want for my children.

Collaboration over Fixed Rules:

1. Recognizing autonomy: By ultimately saying yes, I acknowledged her growing capacity for independence, which I know is essential for developing her identity and confidence.

2. Rewarding honesty: I reinforced that coming to me openly brings better outcomes than hiding or sneaking. Does that mean I will say yes every time? Nope.

3. Modeling flexibility: I showed her that I can reconsider her position and change my mind when presented with good reasoning—a lesson I hope she'll remember when facing peer pressure.

Research consistently shows that authoritative parenting—which balances clear boundaries with warmth and responsiveness—produces the most well-adjusted children. Sometimes I feel like I'm fumbling through parenting my big kids, but moments like these remind me I might be on the right track after all… at least some of the time.

Building Decision-Making Skills by Age

I don't know about you, but I would rather give my kids plenty of opportunities to make small choices before the time comes that they need to make the big ones. Children need plentiful opportunities to make choices and weigh decisions before they start making good ones consistently.

I know it's scary to give up control but think about it: Kids need chances to make decisions (that fit their age). When children get to choose things for themselves, they start believing in their own judgment, figure out how to think critically, and learn from what happens naturally. They get practice weighing options, which helps them become independent and believe in themselves. Plus, it shows them you respect and value who they are, which makes them feel more capable.

An Age-by-Age Decision-Making Guide, What to Do When You Disagree with Their Decision, How Much Control Is Too Much Control: