What Kind Of Mother?

Notes on letting go of perfect and raising kids who sparkle (even in mismatched clothes)

On a bitingly cold day in January, my two-and-a-half-year-old declared she wanted to go to school like her big siblings. This wasn't part of my plan for my last baby - my tiny, shy, super-attached little one who I thought might never leave my side. The Co-op nursery where I sent my other kids didn't accept children until age three, so I went to our local synagogue preschool and enrolled her there.

I wanted to avoid the whole thing until she was three and could go to the co-op where I felt safe and comfortable, but it also felt really important to honor her desire for growth and let her out into the world.

On her very first day of school, my heart stopped when she came downstairs. There she stood on the landing: hot pink top, mismatched skirt, jeans underneath, socks, and sparkly gold sandals beaming from her feet. Her face radiated pure pride. My hands actually twitched toward the outfit I'd laid out the night before - the perfect first-day-of-school fit, complete with practical shoes.

For a moment, I was caught between two voices in my head. The "what will everyone think?" voice was loud: "She can't wear that to school! What kind of mother lets their child go to school looking like that?" But then my early childhood educator voice whispered something more important: "A child who feels capable becomes capable."

I had spent years carefully curating my children's appearances. Perfect outfits, coordinated accessories, sensible shoes - it was my thing. Every first-day photo looked like it could have been in a children's clothing catalog. When I sent my daughter's picture to a friend that morning, their response said it all: "YOU let her go to school like THAT?"

But here's the thing - that text message made me realize just how much I had shifted as a parent. Yes, I had let her go "like that." Because that outfit? It wasn't about the clothes at all. It was about who she believed she could be.

Let me explain...

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