The Mistake I Made Taking My Daughter for Testing, and What I Want Other Parents to Know
Not All Doctors Understand Neurodivergent Kids—Here’s How to Find One Who Does
I took my daughter to a neuropsychologist for some testing.
She was ten at the time, and I’d prepped her by telling her the truth:
“You’re going to this doctor so that we can learn more about how your brain works.”
The doctor arrived in the waiting room and, upon introduction to my child, he said, “C’mon! Let’s go see how smart you are.”
She gave me a weird look and followed him to his office.
When she came out on her break, she said,
“Mom, are we at the wrong doctor? You said we are here to learn more about how my brain works, but he said I am here to see how smart I am.”
I responded by telling her, “We already know you’re smart, and we don’t need a doctor to figure that out. Sometimes grownups get confused about how to explain things to kids.”
When you work with children, your word choices matter. Do you see how a simple nuance in language can take a child from comfortable to anxious?
In hindsight, I wish I had found a neurodiversity-affirming practice to do the testing. I also wish I had said something to the doctor about his word choice in that moment.
I recently passed him in the office corridor while taking a different child to a different doctor in the same building. It burned me up inside to see him usher in a 7-year-old boy for testing. The boy’s tired, anxious parents were waiting in the room next to me, and I wanted to hug them. I know what it feels like to take the first appointment you can get. I know how it feels to be at the mercy of a professional because you just need help for your child and your family—and it feels like there’s no time to be choosy.
I wanted to tell them there’s another way.
What Makes a Practice Neurodiversity-Affirming
When looking for a truly neurodiversity-affirming neuropsychologist, look for these specific indicators:
1. Lived experience is centered.
Neurodiversity-affirming practices value lived experience as a vital source of knowledge. This might mean employing neurodivergent clinicians or actively learning from neurodivergent voices through books, podcasts, social media, and within their communities. They don’t just rely on research—they listen.
2. Language and framing.
They describe neurodivergence as “differences,” not “disorders” or “deficits.” They avoid pathologizing language like “symptoms” and “red flags”, in favor of terms like “traits” or “characteristics.”
3. Assessment approach.
They use a strengths-based assessment model—one that identifies both challenges and abilities, and evaluates the whole person, not just the diagnostic criteria.
4. Environmental understanding.
They recognize how environment impacts functioning and include accommodations as part of recommendations, rather than focusing solely on “fixing” the child.
5. Collaborative process.
They include the child’s perspective—especially for older children and teens—and treat them as experts on their own experience.
6. Support resources.
They connect families with supportive communities, not just therapies aimed at helping children appear more neurotypical.
What to Consider When Looking for a Neurodiversity-Affirming Practice
Finding a neuropsychologist who both accepts your insurance and operates from a neurodiversity-affirming lens is possible with some strategy:
Start with insurance. Contact your provider for a list of in-network neuropsychologists who specialize in pediatric assessments. Ask specifically about coverage for neuropsychological evaluations.
Look at language. When researching providers, scan their bios for terms like “neurodiversity-affirming,” “strengths-based approach,” or “neurodiversity paradigm.”
Tap into community. Join local or online parent groups focused on neurodivergent children. Many parents can point you toward affirming providers who also work with insurance.
Ask specific questions when you call.
“What is your perspective on different types of neurodivergence, such as autism or ADHD?”
“How do you focus on strengths in your evaluations, not just challenges?”
“How do you prioritize information coming from research vs. lived experiences?”
(While both are important, lived experiences—especially from autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people—should always be centered.)
Explore teaching hospitals and university clinics. These are often more progressive in their approaches and may accept insurance while training up the next generation of providers.
Ask about flexibility. If you find a great provider out-of-network, ask if they offer a sliding scale or can provide a superbill for partial reimbursement.
Why It Matters
Our words deeply impact children—whether it’s in a doctor’s office, a classroom, or our own kitchen. That gap between what I carefully explained to my daughter about her testing, and what she actually experienced, is exactly why this matters.
The look on her face that day has stayed with me.
My child is lucky. She knows, with deep conviction, that she is smart—not because a doctor told her so, but because she is surrounded by adults who see her full picture.
Our aim isn’t to make her appear more neurotypical.
It’s to support her in understanding how her brain works, and to help her access tools, accommodations, and environments that support her strengths and needs.
We live on the North Shore of Boston, where—in our little beach town—there’s a neurodiversity-affirming practice I trust deeply. They’re setting a better standard for families in our community, and I take comfort in knowing that this kind of care exists.
Additional Resources for Parents
If you're navigating evaluations or support for your child, here are some tools and communities that can help:
Find a Neurodiversity-Affirming Provider
Therapist Neurodiversity Collective – Directory of clinicians who reject deficit-based models and commit to affirming care.
Inclusive Therapists – Search for identity-affirming, trauma-informed therapists (not specific to neurodivergence, but helpful).
University Clinics – Harvard Medical School, BU, MGH, etc. often have neuropsych departments with updated, affirming approaches.
Parent Networks –
Facebook groups like Parenting Neurodivergent Kids – Support & Resources
Local PACs (Parent Advisory Councils) or SELPAs
State-specific orgs (like Massachusetts Advocates for Children)
Community & Advocacy
Understood.org – Practical tools and resources for families of kids who learn and think differently.
Neurodivergent Parenting – Strengths-first support and education for parents.
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) – Autistic-led organization sharing tools, language, and resources for more respectful support.
Learn More About the Neurodiversity Paradigm
@Neurodivergent_Insights on Instagram
If you're local to the North Shore of Boston, check out The Power of Speech. Jess and her team are incredible, and I trust them with my own children. If you aren’t local, follow her on IG.
A Final Word
When we focus less on how “smart” our kids appear to others and more on how their brains work, we make space for them to flourish as their authentic selves.
Finding the right care can feel overwhelming—but your instincts matter.
You know your child best.
With the right information, you can find professionals who see your child the way you do: not as a set of deficits to fix, but as a uniquely wired individual with both challenges and remarkable strengths.
Thanks for reading this and thanks to Jessica Brown for helping me with the accuracy of this post.
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If this post resonated with you, I’d love it if you gave it a like, left a comment, or shared it with a friend. Thanks for being part of The Workspace for Children community. x. Lizzie
Excellent. We just did a PD on this. Passed your post on to my school counselors! Xo ~E
You might alreayd know about this OT and her wonderful book -
"A Kids Book About Neurodiversity."
https://akidsco.com/products/a-kids-book-about-neurodiversity?srsltid=AfmBOopA2gU7DmacLj9oBVHskCRQQKJKHeoPoPFbG1mPRBjVbK1U8jaL