My oldest is graduating and I'm not sure if I'm ok...Something Playful #6

3 things that made me feel "rich" this past week/ Do I need to stop listening to Taylor Swift?

Lately, the passing of time feels like a bandaid being slowly ripped off and it hurts. My oldest child, Nate, is graduating high school in a few weeks and I can’t make sense of how we got here.

I’m not complaining. I’m incredibly grateful for the good fortune that’s gotten us to this point. We have a lot to celebrate in the coming month. We’ll host a pre-prom gathering for his close friends and parents before the kids head off to prom. Then we’ll get to watch him graduate with his class. He still has a post-season (track) roster of races before heading to Spring Track Nationals in PA. After that, the lucky little bugger is off to Europe with his buddies for a few weeks of R and R. Then he turns 18 and heads off to college. OMG. Am I even okay? How the hell did we get here so fast??? Wasn’t he just building a Lego airport on his bedroom floor during the Pandemic?

I am stuck somewhere between sobbing with utter gratitude for the good fortune that got us to this point and sobbing with the deep gut-wrenching cries of missing my kids little- when they were all mine.

I miss those long summer beach days when we stayed from mid-morning until it got dark and they climbed into bed tan, still sandy, and utterly exhausted. I miss the paint-splattered kitchen days, and the tired, “Mommy, can I climb in with you?” middles of the night.

Sometimes I catch myself holding my breath when I watch Nate and Ruby pull out of the driveway, headed to practice or school together, or when Nate scoops Sloane up after a playdate on his way home. It’s weird seeing your kids drive away. It’s a happy-weird. I can’t explain it, but my sappiness sometimes worries me. My friends who’ve gone through this stage already assure me it’s normal.

Anyway, this newsletter isn’t feeling very playful, is it?

Let me say this… having teens can still feel very playful, so I’ll share three playful snapshots from my mind this past week:

• Last Saturday, my husband made chicken fajitas for dinner and all the kids spontaneously invited friends over. We got to chat, and laugh and eat with the kids, 11-18, and let me tell you, it felt like the best kind of “rich” I could ever ask for. We ran out of food, one kid was annoyed at the menu, and one dog was being an asshole, but all of it felt so good.

• On Wednesday, my youngest came barging in the door after school with two of her best friends. I was working, but I could feel the intensity of the energy so I got up to investigate. It turned out that my daughter was working through an argument that she’d had with a classmate. Over a snack of brownies, berries, and iced tea, the girls hashed out everything that had happened at recess that day. I loved hearing them share their versions and differing opinions on the situation. It was a typical fifth-grade situation, nothing major, but it made me feel so grateful to have a job where I could be home to be the adult who listens to the drama and glad that I still get a seat at the table. I know it won’t be long before these conversations turn into whispers that I am not privy to.

• I was at our local grocery store just grabbing a few snacks. I’d already done our weekly shopping elsewhere, but I still needed to grab ‘the good snacks.’ I was checking out, and I noticed the clerk looking at my cart quizzically, and with good reason. It was filled with only cookie dough, pringles, brownies, and ice cream. That’s it. I just started laughing and told her I have teens…

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So here I am, sobbing through Taylor Swift songs and pretending I'm fine. I'd stop listening, but there's something weirdly cathartic about it. But why does every love song after you become a mom feel like it’s about our kids? Too much? Just me?

Anyway... I've dumped my heart all over this newsletter today, and I’m sending it a day early because otherwise I might chicken out. Thanks for letting me be a mess. Next week I'll try to write about something more practical like end of year teacher gifts or how to get kids to do chores.

x. Lizzie

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