When my 12-year-old told me I was ‘ruining her social life’ because her sister got a phone, and she didn’t, I felt like the worst mom alive. Here’s what I said next…
“You’re right. It does feel unfair. It’s okay to be mad at me, and I’m not changing my mind right now.”
Let’s back up for a second.
If you’ve ever found yourself mid-explanation that ends with “...because I said so,” welcome. Same.
I am a mom of three very different kids, I have taught hundreds of kids in preschool classrooms, and from years of observing children develop at their own pace, I know this to be true: Fair doesn’t mean identical.
And, even though I know that, I still second-guess myself all the time. The inide of my brain sometimes sounds like this: Am I being unfair/Should I be consistent/ Will this come back to bite me/ Why can’t I be more chill?
And still, deep down I know the answer. One child might be ready for a sleepover at 8, while their sibling needs until 10, and I consider it my job as their parent to know the difference and hold the line.
And yes there are sibling side-eyes. There are big blowouts about fairness in my house sometimes.But this approach, meeting each of my kids where they are, not where their sibling is, is still the most respectful, relational, and realistic way I know to parent.
Rather than focusing on fairness, I try to aim for attuned consistency, which is a fancy way of saying I read the room and then I hold the line. It takes practice and a whole lot more reflection than I’d like to admit, and I don’t have all the answers, but let me show you what this looks like in real life, at my house.
Our Phone Story:
Here’s how it went down in our family:
My oldest got a phone at 12, but no social media until 14
My middle got a phone at 12 and some social media at 13
My youngest? She’s 12.5 and rocking an Apple Watch, no phone or social in sight.
(update: 8/22/2026, she now has a phone, no socials)
Same parents. Same values. Completely different approaches.
Not because we changed our minds or got more “relaxed” over time, in fact, it’s the opposite, but because each of my kids operates so differently, so I can’t cling to identical rules for the sake of appearances.
This is where the post gets detailed, and where we dive into:
What “fair” actually looks like in a multi-kid household
Managing, “That’s not fair!” without losing your shit
Conversations That Build Understanding (Not Just Compliance)
How I stopped defending my authority and started modeling attunement.
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For Paid Subscribers: How to Parent “Fairly” Without Parenting Identically
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