My high schooler texted me today:
“Whatcha up to? Wanna drop off Starbucks per chance?”
I happened to be sitting in Starbucks with my laptop and phone open, four crumpled papers with scrapped ideas, and a serious case of the world is on fire / I don’t know how to show up / I am so fucking overwhelmed I could cry.
And her text made me smile the kind of big smile that wraps your whole body in warmth when you didn’t even realize you were cold.
Because it wasn’t about the sticky pink drink or the sandwich she was craving. It was that open, silly, back-and-forth texting that I am so grateful to have with my sixteen-year-old.
She asks me to bring her Starbucks to school probably three times a week. I rarely do it. But I always laugh and smile when she asks, and she likely always rolls her eyes when I say no.
The other day, I was chatting with a good friend. She asked about my daughter, and I said:
“She’s doing great. She drives me nuts. She’s chaotic and messy and beautiful and alive. She terrifies me, and she fills me with an awe I didn’t know was possible. Her room is a disaster. She spends waaaaay too much time on her phone. And she’s mine. And I think she actually likes me. She says thank you and sometimes helps out around the house. She compliments my outfits. And she always listens when I’m spiraling about work.”
When I finished my rant, my friend said,
“Wow. Most moms of sixteen-year-olds complain about their daughters. They’re moody and mean. You are really lucky.”
I am really lucky.
And we worked hard to get here.
I dropped her Starbucks at school and texted her to let her know it was there. She sent me a heartfelt thank you, and I replied, “I adore you. I hope you always know that. x” And I really hope she does.
That moment got me thinking about the intentionality I bring to parenting my tween and teens. Truthfully, most of these things apply to parenting younger children, too.
Take what aligns with you and let the rest go.
This isn’t a “Do these five things or your teen will break up with you” kind of list. It’s more, “Things are mostly going well in my relationships with my kids right now, and these are a few things that I think helped.”
5 things I’m doing to stay close to my teens:
I let them bring their friends to almost everything. When teens can bring a friend, they are so much more willing and engaged. Their friends matter to them, so they matter to me.
Hosting a lot of gatherings at our home. When we host, they come. When it happens at our house, I don’t have to be in it, but I’m around it. I see the dynamics. I’m part of the backdrop of their life, not shut out of it.
Saying yes to doing things they want to do, even when I don’t. Starbucks run? Sure. Listen to you go on and on about a TikTok trend. I’m in. Setting up an art project that seems messy and not worth it to me? Done. The more we can connect with them around their interests, the more time we get together. What feels small to me is their actual life. And if I dismiss it, I dismiss them.
I give them real responsibility, not just kid chores. Feeding the dogs, taking out trash, folding towels - these aren’t punishments. They’re proof that they matter to the functioning of this family. That we need them. Teens crave being seen as capable, not just as children we’re managing.
5. I see them as whole people living a childhood, not resumes being built. Who they are matters infinitely more to me than their GPA or their college prospects. I want them to know they don’t have to perform or achieve to be worth my time. They’re enough, exactly as they are, right now.
To me, the most important kind of love isn’t always measurable. I try to create a home that feels safe and inclusive, where my kids feel seen, heard, and supported and know they can land, exactly as they are. And I have to believe that matters.
Thank you for being here. I appreciate you.
x Lizzie
I think you wrote about my daughter ha! One thing I've learned to do is not take everything my kids say personally. Not always easy. Oh and to always eat breakfast so I have the energy to deal with whatever comes :)
My kids are little, but I’m so excited for the big kid and teenager stages. I just need to figure out 5 ways to connect with my toddler and little kid. 😅